Saturday, August 21, 2010

Solat...


“Indra! Bangun! Solat! Waktu subuh dah nak abis ni.”
“Ermmm… Kejap...”
“Apa kejap-kejap? Dah kol 7 dah ni. Nanti kalau solat lewat, syaitan bertanduk yang kau sembah nanti. BANGONN!”
“Alaaa.. kejap lagi la.. nantok lagi ni.”
“Eh budak ni, aku pijak jugak kang. Bangon sekarang!”
“Ye la.. yelaa… orang bangun ni. Pepagi lagi dah membebel. Heeeeeee! Menyampah tol.”
Di atas adalah dialog yang biasa sangat terjadi antara aku ngan mama aku. Almost setiap hari. Kadang2 mak aku sangat tensen nak kejutkan aku bangun untuk solat subuh, sampai dia tensen.
Pernah sekali, dia terlalu marah kat aku, sampai dia cakap – “Lantak kau la kau nak sembahyang ke idak. Dah puas aku ingatkan kau.Lepas ni, kau bangun sendiri. Tak kuasa aku nak kejutkan kau lagi.”
Ye.. menda tu jadi sehari je. Dan hari kedua, she will start the same routine allover again.
That’s my mum. Ever so resilient and never wanting to give up on me.
“Ingat! Kau tu bakal jadi pemimpin. Kau kene pimpin diri sendiri dulu sebelum nak pimpin keluarga kau nanti.”
“Ye lah, ye lah, ye lah! Bebel je la mama ni”
‘Yang membezakan antara Muslim dan kafir tu, sembahyang. Kalau kau tak sembahyang, apa beza kau dengan orang kafir?”
Everytime mak aku cakap camtu kat aku, sentap aku. Tapi lama2, dah lali.. biasa. Takde rasa apa-apa.
Most of the time – actually, almost 99% of the time, this is what will I do.
Go to the bathroom –
Pretend to take my ablution (amik air sembahyang)
Pretend to pray
Pretending, pretending and pretending all the way without even having the slightest guilt and remorse on what am I doing while I know & fully aware of this, it’s so bloody SINFUL for me to do that.
And I’m staging it, become a very good actor and liar. And all those act I did in front of her are just to satisfy her. To stop my mum from bugging and nagging at me again. I lied to my mum. I lied to myself. Worst still, I lied blatantly to the owner & creator of this life, the entire galaxy and its content. Creator of my life and soul – Allah. And all this was done without having the slightest fear or guilt.
Sangatlah terlalu buruk, sombong, angkuh, bongkak, ego dan terlalu pentingkan diri sendiri punya perangai yang aku ada ni. I purposely ignore the fact that whatever nikmat yang aku dapat selama hidup ni, semua datang dari Dia.
Anyway, back to first part of this entry.
Kelakuan keji & hina aku tu berlangsung selama beberapa tahun. Aku tak ingat sejak bila. Maybe dah lebih dari 5 tahun kot. Terlalu lama berlakon sampai aku langsung tak rasa bersalah menjadi seorang penipu. I’m fully aware, Allah dah kasi peringatan. Tempat untuk seorang munafik itu adalah neraka yang paling bawah sekali. Bakal mendapat siksaan yang paling berat dan semua peringatan tu, aku tahu. Aku sedar apa yang aku buat. Tapi aku masih buat dengan tanpa rasa bersalah.
Perbuatan aku yang berpura-pura ni, dah sama sangat dan sesuai sangat kalau nak dilabel sebagai munafik. Indra Gunawan, seorang yang munafik.
Memula, aku masih lagi pergi ke masjid untuk sembahyang Jumaat. Lama kelamaan, aku jadi malas. Aku lagi suka merayau2 kat KLCC tu time orang lain tengah solat Jumaat.
Sebulan..
Dua Bulan..
Tiga Bulan..
Empat Bulan..
Semua tu berlalu tanpa aku pergi sembahyang Jumaat langsung.
Dan aku langsung tak rasa bersalah pada diri sendiri. Apatah lagi nak rasa bersalah pada Allah.
Dan aku sangat-sangat tahu, Nabi Muhammad ada cakap, siapa yang skip Solat Jumaat 3 kali berturut2 tanpa ada sebarang keuzuran yang dibenarkan syarak, pintu hatinya akan ditutup.
Knowing this fact, I still have the nerves to say – Ok, Fine~…
If you were to read my previous entries and if you know me personally, you’ll know that I’ve wanted to change my life recently. And this is because of reading and knowing about The Secret.
I want more money.
I want to be more successful.
I want to be a better person.
I want to have more on everything.
I want to have more friends.
I want people to love and like me more.
I want to help my parents.
I’ve tested & practice The Law Of Attraction stated in The Secret and I started to get some of the things that I wanted. Among other things are, I want people to give more attention to me when I go to certain places. And yes, no surprise, I did get more attention.
Some part of The Secret says – “Every traditions says, there’s something out there bigger than you. Something that can give you what you want.”
“The Universe will arrange itself according to what you feel and deliver what you want to you in the ways you will – most of the time – never expected it”
“Be grateful and feel grateful. You’ll get more if you practice this Attitude of Grattitude.”  
And many-many more similar things like this.
All of these statement points to one only. God. In this case, Allah.
I know about this fact and still, I vehemently try to push it away. My logical thinking thinks, I can do this without his help. I can achieve and get what I want without ever having had to perform Solat like other Muslims. Why? Because all the non-Muslims can get what they want without ever performing Solat. So why should I?
How super extremely arrogant I am for having the guts to think like that. Don’t you think?
But as I try to explore & experiment more on The Secret, I get more and more stressed out and frustrated because I don’t ever get what I really want.
A part of me is constantly telling me that I need to start practicing and become the real Muslim. Then all those things that I want can be materialized because ALL of the things that I need and I want come from Him - Allah. No other source.
One day, I told myself – “Berhentila buat keje camni. Kau buat ni kan, serupa macam, kau nak mintak macam-macam kat Tuhan. Tapi kau membelakangkan dia. You’re asking A LOT from him. Yet, when you do the request, you turn your back against Him. That’s so not right. So damn arrogant of you Indra. Until you die, you’ll never get any of those things that you wanted so badly because you’re being snobbishly arrogant to the Creator Himself.”
This thought comes to my mind when I was at the gym. Many days before this thought, I feel depressed, demotivated and so down because I think all of my efforts were in vain and useless. No results. Nothing.
I didn’t work out much during that time. I was pondering deep in my thoughts and I almost cry (again) thinking of how useless I am. Not being able to help my parents at this age – 28 years old.
“Indra, Jom solat!”
These three words really got into me. I don’t know how to describe it. I feel like my whole body has been slapped and my friend, who’s been inviting me to Solat didn’t even touch me.
“Damn it you stupid idiot! That’s the thing you’ve been missing! Solat! Macam mana Tuhan nak kabulkan semua permintaan kau tu kalau kau tak pernah nak sembahyang? Sombong gila babi kau ni! Kau ingat kau tu sapa hah?!” – These are the words that I’ve told myself at that moment.
I hesitate to go.
Yes. I do hesitate to go to Surau and perform my duty – Solat.
He went on without me.
I curse myself more for not going even after I know how wrong I am not doing the things that I suppose to do.
After about a minute. He comes back.
“Tertinggal botol air.” He said.
“Go now! GO! Follow him! Just take the first step, Indra.”
I did go.
God… How relieved I felt after that. Being able to do something that I’ve never did for many years already – Solat Maghrib. This happened about 2 or 3 weeks before Ramadhan 2010.
From that day, aku dah bertekad nak berubah. Sikit demi sedikit.
Ya Allah, berilah kekuatan untuk aku berubah. Bantulah aku untuk berubah ya Allah.
Ya Allah, walau apapun yang aku lakukan dan perbuat di dunia ini, jangan sekali-kali kau tarik nikmat-Mu yang paling besar – Iman dan menjadi seorang Islam.
Ya Allah, ampunkan dosa hamba-Mu yang bersikap sombong, ego, bongkak, berlagak, takbur dan terlalu buruk ini. Maafkan aku ya Allah.
Itu antara doa yang aku baca selepas solat. Aku mahu berubah. Aku tak mahu lagi menjadi manusia sombong yang mahu mintak macam-macam dan pebagai perkara kepada Tuhan, tapi enggan sujud kepada Tuhan itu.
Ada waktunya, aku menangis… Tapi details pasal tu biarlah antara aku dan Dia sahaja yang tahu.
Sekian,
Wassalam…