Me & my friends

Salam semua…

Semalam, 7^th Januari. Genap seminggu tahun 2010 dah berlalu. Amacam? Banyak menda2 yang dah jadi?

As for me, there’s quite a week lah. Kejap nak list down kan..

Remember? In the previous entry, aku cakap aku ada ZERO MC (sick leave) on 2009. Tapi, hari rabu lepas, on 6 Jan, aku selsema teruk. So, aku amik MC lah. Yeay! MC pertama untuk 2010. =P

Masa memula masuk 2010, aku dah langgar salah satu azam tahun baru aku. (aku tak share ngan sapa2 lagi, tapi antara azam aku, nak menjadikan tahun 2010 sebagai tahun yang sangat kurang nak bershopping.) Tapi on 1^st & 2^nd of januari, aku gi shoppink kat IKEA & Tesco. It’s a need. Not a want. Aku kene beli barang2 untuk bilik aku. Before this, jeans aku gantung bersepah je kat belakang pintu. Semak! Skang ni dah selamat bersemadi kat dalam almari. Kemas sket. Hehehe. Ada 30 helai jeans. Cemane leh dapat figure tu, entry lain kali la aku buat. Dalam citer pasal - Myself in 2009. Kesinambungan dari entry sebelum ni.

Anyway, benda2 di atas ni bukan tujuan sebenar aku nak tulis entry ni. Menda yang aku nak tulis adalah menda yang dah berlaku semalam. Aku rasa, aku nak tulis in full English, kecuali ada beberapa part yang aku nak explain dalam bahasa melayu. (bukan taknak sokong kempen utamakan bahasa kebangsaan eh. Harap maklum.)

Here it goes –

The most memorable day of my fist week in 2010 would be yesterday, on 7^th Jan 2010.

A had to confront a few friends of mine that have caught me ‘red handed’ (kantoi) on the things that I wish I can keep it a secret from certain people in my life.

In short, I’m busted!

Maybe you’ll not agree, but for me, I have things that I do not wish to tell or share it to everyone under any circumstances. Some people might say – Hey! I don’t have anything to hide from anyone! Fine, but not me.

Do I really have to justify why I choose to do this?

Do I have to say the reason & tell you that – hey! I don’t want to share it with you because of so and so…

I believe I don’t have to do it

Anyway, I want to make things clear on this – I stand firm behind whatever it is that I’ve wrote in my blog.

By saying this, I admit to take full accountability & responsibility on every entry that have been published in the past & will be published in the future.

The thing is,

Kenapa nak gunakan sindiran, malicious jokes & saying things that will surely hurt me when the reason for you to do it is to make me ‘come clean’ on the things that I’ve done? And more, after saying all those things, you said – baliklah ke pangkal jalan, ingatla Tuhan, mak & ayah ko.

Matlamat tidak sekali-kali menghalalkan cara. Effort to bring me back to the righteous path is good. Effort to make me do the right thing is good. But the way of you doing it, NOT good.

Now, I’m known as hypocrite person. “Yang aku tak leh accept, ko punya hipocracy tahap cipan...”. I’m asking now, what is the hypocrisy that I’ve committed to you guys?

Is it – Whenever I’m with you guys and I saw that type of people, I will bash them. Say bad things about them, curse them or degrade them? Or I will vehemently deny it with all my might & effort like - “OH HELL! I will NOT be one of those people!” or perhaps I’ve sworn infront of you guys that I’m NOT like that? Or, maybe me being hypocrite is doing the complete opposite when I’m with you guys, flirting here & there, acting as if I’m the biggest playboy of the year?

I did not do any of those things. Never!

Whenever is it I’m with you guys, I never pretend to be someone else. Yes, maybe there’s a few occasion when you guys jokingly asking me if it’s true or not and my responds will be – I’ll just laugh it off & brush it off with a bit of nervousness.

If by doing that, I’m a hypocrite. Then, yes, I AM a hypocrite.

Like I said, I stand firm on every entry that I’ve done in my blog and I will not back on my words.

I wrote this before - Aku cakap sedih sebab personally, aku rasa kalau ada kawan aku yang tegur perbuatan buruk aku, aku sangat2 bersyukur & berterima kasih pada kawan aku tu. Sebab a true friend will take their time and effort to tell you your mistakes and that will enable you to be a better person.

This is the thing that I truly believe.

But to give word of advice & to tell you friend they’re wrong, it has to be done correctly.

Doing it intrusively and offensively will do no good at all. No matter how civilized or well educated or reasonable that other person may be.

Besides, how can with all the intention to bring me back to the right path, you’re saying very2 offensive things? - Ada sebab la masa kecik Allah tak bagi ko kesenangan hidup macam sekarang... Tengoklah sekarang apa ko buat dengan diri ko... Belanja tak ingat dunia... Pegi kelab la...

Passing judgment on my childhood life.

Aku tau kau memang di kalangan orang2 yang mampu memiliki dan aku ni dari kalangan orang2 susah yang tak mampu nak ada apa2. Not even the slightest feel of jealousy I have against you. I remember how very proud you are when you tell me how well your relatives are. You can afford to buy this and that. You may not realize this, but your body language tells it. The tone of your voice clearly state how proud you are.

Belanja tak ingat dunia...

Yes. I know you can afford to buy much more expensive things because you earn multiple times more than me now. You are where you are right now. Tak pernah sekali pun aku rasa iri hati atau dengki atas apa yang kau dah capai sekarang ni. In fact, kalau kau ingat lagi, aku antara orang yang sokong keputusan kau dulu nak ubah pelajaran. 

Tapi, aku takde mintak duit dari sapa2 pun atas apa2 pun yang aku beli. Apa pun yang aku buat dengan duit gaji aku, hak aku. Aku nak simpan, atau aku nak belanjakan setiap sen duit yang aku dapat atau aku nak berhutang banyak dengan kredit kad aku, itu semua HAK aku.

Pegi kelab la…

What do you know about the things that I did every time I went to club? You pass your judgement without even bothering to ask me what I’ve done there!

Apa yang mengexcusekan ko mempostkan diri dalam laman web cam tu? Apa alasan ko yang paling kukuh ko boleh cakap untuk sebab musabab ko letak diri ko dalam tu? Kalau ko guna duit sebagai alasan, then, aku tak tahulah nak cakap apa... Just sedih... Sedih sbb duit ko bawak diri ko sehina-hinanya...

Aku buat sebab duit? Wow… Kalaulah aku buat sebab duit, tak dapat aku bayangkan betapa mewahnya aku sekarang ni. Takde sebarang alasan. I don’t feel like giving you or anyone any excuse about the thing that I’ve done.

You don’t know the whole picture, yet you jump to the conclusion. You pass your judgment. The thing about this is, when judgment has been passed, anything that will be said will have little or no effect.

You want me to come clean on the things that I’ve done, yet, you’re saying all these things.

Pergilah ko dengan ego ko tu... Aku memang tak boleh nak cakap apa... Pergilah ko mencari solace dengan 'kawan-kawan' ko tu... Diorang lebih deserving daripada kitorang yang 'menyibuk' dalam hidup ko ni... Just aku nak cakap, sebelum mak ayah ko dah takde, balik lah ko ke pangkal jalan... Itu jek...

My my… not only me, my friends were also dragged in this issue. Aku disuruh mencari solace dengan ‘kawan-kawan’ aku tu… Kalau aku tak silap, sebarang masalah yang aku pernah ada, aku tak pernah pun menrengek-rengek dan mengadu ke kau atau ke siapa2 pun. Seboleh-bolehnya aku cuba selesaikan sendiri.

But yes, I do share some of my problem with my ‘kawan-kawan’. Because with them, I do not have to hide anything. Sharing doesn’t mean that I get any help. Sometimes, the purpose to share is only to lighten the burden that I have in my head. And sometimes, their advice is very useful.

Mak ayah aku…

Sebab fikir pasal mak ayah aku lah, terlalu banyak benda2 yang aku nak buat, aku tak jadi dan taknak buat. 
Sebab aku fikir pasal mak ayah aku lah, limit yang aku buat kat diri aku sendiri, aku taknak cross.

I do not wish to portray myself as the innocent guy here because I’M NOT. I’m nowhere near innocent.

I do not wish to tell everyone here that I’m not to be blamed because I DESERVE to be blamed.

I do not wish to put the guilt to someone else because it’s all my OWN WRONG DOING.

I don’t feel vulnerable, I don’t feel weak, and I don’t feel defenseless in this matter.

But it hurts so much. So much… To be dealt with like this.

Funny, a long time ago, I used to imagine how I can just be truly myself and making comments and jokes about other people with you guys and we all together can have a good laugh out of it. But now, I guess this will never happen.

I want to do it. But seeing how you react here, I guess it will never happen.

Right now, I'm the lowest of the low.

Anyway, what a week that I have this first week of 2010. I can't wait what in store for me for the rest of the year!